Toronto Star (Canada)
3 October 2009

Terms of estrangement

SOLE CUSTODY: This determines who has the legal authority to make
decisions around the child's education, health, religion and social
welfare. Technically, it does not determine where the children live,
although parents with sole custody tend to have the children most of
the time.

JOINT CUSTODY: This means the parents make decisions together around
major issues affecting the children.

SHARED PARENTING: Also called co-parenting. Parents split
responsibilities so that, say, mother makes decisions around education
and father around medical care.

SUPERVISED ACCESS: This is imposed by a judge if there are allegations
of abuse, chronic badmouthing by one parent against the other,
addiction, mental-health issues or a risk one parent will flee with
the child.

CASE CONFERENCE: This is the mandatory first step in the court
process, meant to stop lawyers, and clients, from running amok. A good
judge will engage in tough talk – clarifying the issues of the case,
how they are likely to be dealt with, your chances of "success." It's
all meant as a warning to warring couples to settle before the issues
head to a costly trial.

SETTLEMENT CONFERENCE: This takes place after all the financial
records and assessments of what's best for the children are ready to
go to trial. The last chance to settle before a judge orders a
settlement at trial.

IMPUTED INCOME: This is a way for the courts to clamp down on the
spiteful primary breadwinner – usually the man and, say, a Bay St.
broker who suddenly decides to become an artist – just as his ex-wife
is seeking child and spousal support. Some judges will simply decide
what they think the man should be earning based on their education.
Others will give them, say, two years to retrain for a job more in
keeping with their previous earning power. It's also meant to crack
down on litigants – usually men – who are self-employed and trying to
hide income from their ex-wives and children.

HIGH CONFLICT: This is a relationship plagued by distrust, animosity,
bitterness and often a need for revenge. Basically, the two parties
can't agree on anything, which is why judges almost always award
custody to one parent to minimize the need for contact between the
two. Can involve episodes of domestic violence but not always.

PARENTAL ALIENATION: A fiercely debated buzzword in family law.
Generally, it's an ugly by-product of high-conflict divorce in which
one parent – usually the custodial parent – turns the children against
their ex-spouse in an orchestrated campaign of hatred. It's difficult
and brutal to undo and has so far involved flying children off to
expensive U.S.-based facilities for what some deride as
"deprogramming." It is extremely difficult to prove.

FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN: A special federal joint committee that
held 55 meetings over 12 months back in 1997 and heard from over 520
witnesses, many of them dads and grandparents struggling to get access
to children. Its 1998 report called for reforms such as shared
parenting were largely shelved.

THE MOTHER/THE FATHER: There's no room for niceties in the trenches of
family court. This unusual way of describing ex-partners just goes to
show how long the estranged couple have been in the courts, listening
to lawyers.