This British article contains examples of the legal and family law industry (and media) underlying assumptions, beliefs and advice that stymie shared parenting.

Such views seek to steer parents towards an expectation and outcome of maternal custody and residency, and away from shared parenting.

The effect is designed to deter parents from stepping outside the "one-size-fits-all box", of every second weekend and half school holidays, and from seeking shared parenting and residence.

Quote (Divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt) #1: The normal way is the children live with one parent and have contact with the other. Courts don't like making orders. They would rather the parents agree. But the main battle is usually about the level of contact.

Quote (Divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt) #2: Lots of dads ask what the chances of success are (of obtaining custody). I have to say slim, as there's a social notion children are better with mum.

And then the Daily Mirror journalist gets in on the act, seeking to assert maternal custody and residency as the norm, and thus to dissuade Dads from seeking custody and residency.

Quote (The Daily Mirror journalist) #3: The children will usually stay in the family home with one parent (usually, though not always, their mum) while the other parent has agreed or prearranged contact.

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<http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/yourlife/kidsandfamily/2008/03/03/how-to-cope-with-a-custody-battle-89520-20339068/>

The Daily Mirror (Britain)
3 March 2008

How to cope with a custody battle

The end of a relationship can be one of the hardest times of your life but never more so when kids are involved.

Custody battles are in the news, with Britney Spears and Paul McCartney both bogged down in legal struggles.

Sir Paul and estranged wife Heather are presently debating custody arrangements for their four-year-old daughter Beatrice.

Meanwhile, Britney lost custody of sons Sean Preston and Jayden James in January, after being rushed to hospital with psychological problems. Last week, she was briefly reunited with them after two months apart.

And before his accidental drug overdose, Heath Ledger was worried his ex-girlfriend Michelle Williams was going for sole custody of their daughter Matilda. Here's our guide to surviving this stressful time.

What to expect

Deciding who the children live with can be emotive. Should a court have to intervene, they will put the needs of the children first, so it pays to agree as amicably as you can.

Christine Northam, a counsellor with Relate, says: "Have empathy for your children. Imagine what it's like in their shoes. Say to them 'I know it's a tricky time. Tell me what you are worried about?' Don't criticise your ex in front of them.

"If you bad-mouth their mum or dad, it's almost like you're saying these bad things about them. If you're struggling with your emotions go for counselling. It's somewhere to dump all those angry feelings."

Avoiding court

You don't need to go to court to decide on custody - or, more accurately "residence" - arrangements.

The children will usually stay in the family home with one parent (usually, though not always, their mum) while the other parent has agreed or prearranged contact.

Sit down and agree between yourselves how frequent contact should be, where and for how long. This could mean Dad has the kids at weekends or holidays, for example.

Or the children could split their time equally between both parents, in which case you'll both share residence. Reaching an informal agreement now does not prevent you going to court later if arrangements aren't stuck to or one of you changes your mind.

Divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt says: "The normal way is the children live with one parent and have contact with the other. Courts don't like making orders. They would rather the parents agree. But the main battle is usually about the level of contact."

If you can't agree

A contact order sets out how often the child will spend with each parent.

It sets out how long and where contact should take place. It can even include arrangements for picking the children up and taking them back home. Family mediation is a way of reaching an agreement when emotions are running high.

"Mediators are often lawyers trained to deal with the nitty gritty," says Christine. "And remember to listen to your children, ask them what they would like."

Residence orders

Either parent can apply to the court for a Residence Order. This sets out who the child lives with and usually lasts until they are 16.

More than one person can be granted a residence order - the specific period of stay with each parent is specified by the court.

You can pick up a form from a magistrate's court, county court or the High Court.

The court considers who is the best person to meet the child's daily needs. It will also consider the domestic routine of the child and the work commitments of those making the application.

Why mum wins

Mothers usually get custody but this is changing as more men stay at home to raise children.

Vanessa says: "Lots of dads ask what the chances of success are. I have to say slim, as there's a social notion children are better with mum.

"But a father may have a good case if he has been at home looking after the children since they were born. The court will look at the best interests of the children."

Britney's Battle

The singer lost custody of her sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline in October. Spears, 26, and Federline, 29, were granted joint custody of Sean, two, and one-year-old Jayden after their divorce last July. Yet her subsequent bizarre behaviour left the judge doubting her fitness as a parent - and it doesn't look she will be get ting them back any time soon.

"If I wanted to hold up an example of what not to do in a residence case, it's Britney," says divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt. "Don't go out clubbing, don't take drugs, don't drive around with your baby on your lap or be seen leaving them all the time. I feel sorry for Britney but she's being incredibly stupid for a mum wanting custody.

"Her ex-husband is being very carefully advised and doing everything right - stay in, be clean-cut and go to court immediately when you think the children are in danger."

DOs AND DON'Ts

DO

1 Ask yourself: "What is best for my child?"

2 Keep a daily record of when you see or don't see your child.

3 Be a hands-on parent. Take the children to and from school, help with homework, have their friends round and share activities.

4 Make sure you keep to agreed visits, appointments or mediation sessions.

5 Talk to friends or a counsellor. And treat yourself whenever you can.

DON'T

1 Argue with your ex-partner - try to keep everything calm.

2 Turn to alcohol or drugs. If you have a problem with either, seek help immediately. The courts must see you're serious about cleaning up your act.

3 Rush into a new relationship. "It's like a bereavement," says counsellor Christine Northam. "Mourn the relationship you've lost and try to understand what went wrong or you'll almost certainly repeat the same mistakes."

4 Be impatient or argue with the judge. Decisions can take a long time and the judge will have the final say.

Where to Get Help (Britain) ...

Go to Relate 0845 130 4016, www.relate.org.uk

Get a solicitor's advice. Community Le gal Service Direct (to find a family solicitor) 0845 345 4345, www.clsdirect.org.uk

Try National Family Mediation 0139 227 1610, www.nfm.org.uk

For free legal advice on family law, divorce and children and contact issues, call the Rights Of Women advice line on 020 7251 6577 www.rightsofwomen.org.uk